Jurrassic Park Rampage Edition: A Psychosexual Analysis

Jurassic Park Rampage Edition…what a game. Released on SEGA Genesis in ’94 by BlueSky Software, it is the sequel to their self-titled Jurassic Park. BlueSky is the same group responsible for Ecco the Dolphin, but with Rampage Edition they let all that repressed anger and sexual tension from childhood express itself. A hardcore MIDI riff that makes your ears bleed after a couple minutes greets you and will quickly become imprinted in your amygdala for life. A raptor with blood, maybe saliva, pouring out of its jaws stares you down…

War Gods N64 Shocker: Not Actually a Total Piece of Shit!

The mid 1990s saw a ton of Mortal Kombat clones, and it seems like most of them were made by Mortal Kombat creators Midway themselves. The N64, known for clunky fighting games, got pretty much the entire goddamn B squad, including Mace: The Dark Age, Bio F.R.E.A.K.S. (which I’ve previously reviewed), and War Gods (arcade / ps1 / n64 / windows). Now, if you’d listen to the Internet, War Gods is a piece of molding shit. IGN and a dozen other review sites can’t squeeze out more than a 5…

Not a Porno: Spelunker for the NES

Though its got a funny name and will invariably fuck you, there’s no nudity as far as I can tell. The Spelunker I’m referring to is a video game, released in 1983 for the Atari 8-bit computer platform and later ported all over the place, including to the NES. And, of course, this is the version we’ll be discussing. Or rather I will, as you’re not allowed to talk here. Except for in the comments, and even then I wield a godlike power over it. Hell yeah. ::cough:: An arcade…

N64 Fighting: Bio F.R.E.A.K.S.

It’s the future and the United States have split into private territories, chaos and stuff is going on. Corporations now battle with bio-engineered… aaaand I’m not even going to finish that sentence. Midway decided to release this fighter straight to the Nintendo 64 / PlayStation / PC in 1998 so it wouldn’t land in the arcades at the same time as their flagship product, Mortal Kombat 4. This action may have doomed the game, because by the time it was released the home ports for MK4 were nearly done anyway….

Pride, Prejudice, and Space Invaders Extreme

At this stage in my life, I’m a busy motherfucker. I love The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past as much as anyone, but the next time I’m likely to find the time for a play-through, I’ll be about to slap the taste out of my first grandchild’s mouth for rolling his eyes at my NES because “it needs a screen and controllers to play.” The result of this is that I find myself engaged in an endless hunt for the perfect pick up and go game. Perfect…

Beat ‘Em Up Royalty: Rushing Beat (and why you shouldn’t write after drinking)

People have a lot of fantasies, am I right?. Flying on dragons, driving sweet cars, sticking GI Joes and stuff up their butts after their stepdad catches them sniffing their stepmom’s underwear or whatever. Mine? I’ve always wanted to wear a goofy outfit and beat the crap out of an entire 1,000 member street gang in about an hour using like… four moves. Highly specific, I know. But that’s why the Beat ‘Em Up genre and I were made for each other. Yes, the enemies are hookers with electro-whips, obese…

NES Max – Field Tested For Your Pleasure

Released in 1988, the NES Max sits in that strange space where one might wonder if its awesome, or a total piece of shit. It sports a modern style batwing shape, grippy ribs, and underbelly nubs. Additionally present are two dedicated turbo buttons, and a futuristic upgrade to the not-so-old-at-the-time d-pad: the cycloid. Now, most of the “literature” (I use this term loosely) found online comes from detractors — I know, shocking. Typical complaints are as follows: 1. It’s too small. 2. The A and B buttons are too far…

Wii U Redux: Donkey Kong, Star Fox, and Why I am an Assbutt

(originally published, December 2016) I assure you: I wasn’t one of those weirdos waiting over night to get a Wii U on release day, though I was pretty damn excited about it. That is, right up until I got one. The lack of games in the early days, as well as a misunderstanding of the GamePad controller, led me to sell it off in favor of an Xbox One. As someone who primarily plays and collects older stuff, I wanted to try out this new generation and see what it…

Just the Tip: A Beginner’s Guide to the Atari 2600

To say that the Atari 2600 is iconic, or even legendary, is somewhat of an understatement. The flagship product of video game pioneers Atari, the 2600 is a great example of the right thing in the right place at the right time. Ask even the most gaming ignorant person about “Atari” and, though they may not hit the nail on the head, they’re guaranteed to swing the hammer. If you’re reading this you’re likely either wanting to break into collecting for the 2600, or you already do and can’t get…

Review: Tecmo Super Bowl for the NES

When I was a little kid, I loved me some Tecmo Super Bowl. I had not the foggiest idea what a Tecmo was, but I didn’t care (and likely pronounced it ‘Temco’ anyway). Hell, I didn’t even know how to read the selectable plays in between ’rounds’ or whatever football people call them. All that mattered was a quintessential 8bit soundtrack draped over a game that didn’t penetrate my butthole against my will every five seconds. Toss to the Quarterback, take off running, win. Good times, thems was. And thems…