Not a Porno: Spelunker for the NES

Though its got a funny name and will invariably fuck you, there’s no nudity as far as I can tell. The Spelunker I’m referring to is a video game, released in 1983 for the Atari 8-bit computer platform and later ported all over the place, including to the NES. And, of course, this is the version we’ll be discussing. Or rather I will, as you’re not allowed to talk here. Except for in the comments, and even then I wield a godlike power over it. Hell yeah. ::cough:: An arcade…

NES Max – Field Tested For Your Pleasure

Released in 1988, the NES Max sits in that strange space where one might wonder if its awesome, or a total piece of shit. It sports a modern style batwing shape, grippy ribs, and underbelly nubs. Additionally present are two dedicated turbo buttons, and a futuristic upgrade to the not-so-old-at-the-time d-pad: the cycloid. Now, most of the “literature” (I use this term loosely) found online comes from detractors — I know, shocking. Typical complaints are as follows: 1. It’s too small. 2. The A and B buttons are too far…

11 Classy Retro Game Perversions

A (perhaps) vital component of the culture, perversions both large and small have always been present in retro video games. If you haven’t noticed boners, vaginas, buttholes and sex acts of all kinds, you likely haven’t been playing them. From Ring of Power‘s boobs code, to the Japanese Link’s Awakening‘s hippo boobs, to frankly a large number of other ‘boobs’ instances, there are many blatant examples of this, leading right on up to unabashed pornographic titles. Because we here at The Gamesman’s Knob are ridiculously classy, the handouts aren’t for…

The Ultimate Goal: Thoughts On Jackassery

The “ultimate gaming goal,” finishing a game, is a worthy one. After sinking 50 hours into something it’s nice to feel like you’ve earned the right to see that last hidden crevice. To complete it. To get the highest score. To unlock its hidden stuff so you can tell people you did it, even though they won’t completely believe you because you’re totally unlikable. Myself… I’ve never had the discipline, nor the restraint to avoid the sort of low hanging fruit that impedes true progress. I could count the number…

Review: Tecmo Super Bowl for the NES

When I was a little kid, I loved me some Tecmo Super Bowl. I had not the foggiest idea what a Tecmo was, but I didn’t care (and likely pronounced it ‘Temco’ anyway). Hell, I didn’t even know how to read the selectable plays in between ’rounds’ or whatever football people call them. All that mattered was a quintessential 8bit soundtrack draped over a game that didn’t penetrate my butthole against my will every five seconds. Toss to the Quarterback, take off running, win. Good times, thems was. And thems…