Jurrassic Park Rampage Edition: A Psychosexual Analysis

Jurassic Park Rampage Edition…what a game. Released on SEGA Genesis in ’94 by BlueSky Software, it is the sequel to their self-titled Jurassic Park. BlueSky is the same group responsible for Ecco the Dolphin, but with Rampage Edition they let all that repressed anger and sexual tension from childhood express itself. A hardcore MIDI riff that makes your ears bleed after a couple minutes greets you and will quickly become imprinted in your amygdala for life. A raptor with blood, maybe saliva, pouring out of its jaws stares you down…

The Last Pokemon GO Player: Echoes of a Glorious Past

[white text scrawls across a black screen] A wanderer of streets, a collector of kilometers. While the rest of the world has adapted to its post-Go reality, I still flinch every time I see someone in a red shirt. When approaching the local drugstore, I still find myself bracing for some 13-year old kid to yell “Get the fuck away from my gym” before two more come out from behind a dumpster and shriek “VALOR VALOR VALOR!” (true story). But these are merely echoes of the past… a flame with…

Beat ‘Em Up Royalty: Rushing Beat (and why you shouldn’t write after drinking)

People have a lot of fantasies, am I right?. Flying on dragons, driving sweet cars, sticking GI Joes and stuff up their butts after their stepdad catches them sniffing their stepmom’s underwear or whatever. Mine? I’ve always wanted to wear a goofy outfit and beat the crap out of an entire 1,000 member street gang in about an hour using like… four moves. Highly specific, I know. But that’s why the Beat ‘Em Up genre and I were made for each other. Yes, the enemies are hookers with electro-whips, obese…

The Seven Nerdly Sins

Time to confess. I own a ton of video game stuff, I’ve had a pinball machine in my living room in lieu of a couch, and I occasionally smell my Stinkor action figure when nobody is looking. I spotted a Vectrex in American Pie Beta House (don’t ask why I was watching that tragedy), and I own a mini disc player. With mini discs. I caption my Nintendo figurines on Instagram. Born a dork, I have since sinned. Lord, save me. But believe me when I tell you that there…

11 Classy Retro Game Perversions

A (perhaps) vital component of the culture, perversions both large and small have always been present in retro video games. If you haven’t noticed boners, vaginas, buttholes and sex acts of all kinds, you likely haven’t been playing them. From Ring of Power‘s boobs code, to the Japanese Link’s Awakening‘s hippo boobs, to frankly a large number of other ‘boobs’ instances, there are many blatant examples of this, leading right on up to unabashed pornographic titles. Because we here at The Gamesman’s Knob are ridiculously classy, the handouts aren’t for…

The Ultimate Goal: Thoughts On Jackassery

The “ultimate gaming goal,” finishing a game, is a worthy one. After sinking 50 hours into something it’s nice to feel like you’ve earned the right to see that last hidden crevice. To complete it. To get the highest score. To unlock its hidden stuff so you can tell people you did it, even though they won’t completely believe you because you’re totally unlikable. Myself… I’ve never had the discipline, nor the restraint to avoid the sort of low hanging fruit that impedes true progress. I could count the number…