11 Classy Retro Game Perversions

A (perhaps) vital component of the culture, perversions both large and small have always been present in retro video games. If you haven’t noticed boners, vaginas, buttholes and sex acts of all kinds, you likely haven’t been playing them. From Ring of Power‘s boobs code, to the Japanese Link’s Awakening‘s hippo boobs, to frankly a large number of other ‘boobs’ instances, there are many blatant examples of this, leading right on up to unabashed pornographic titles. Because we here at The Gamesman’s Knob are ridiculously classy, the handouts aren’t for us. No no, we are connoisseurs of the subtleties… those golden Easter eggs left behind by programmers who decided that their rebel legacy should involve a taint (pun absolutely intended).

Also, none of us can go outside without seeing clouds that look like testicles. Trust me, I tried this morning.

The pixelated contrast from this emulation screen shot increases the effect, but trust me, this shit is grisly regardless.

1. Street Fighter II: Speaking of taint (because I mentioned it in the first paragraph), howabout the glistening sweaty slab that is Edmondo Honda’s? Knock him down, there it is, just like clockwork. Same taint, different day. Hasn’t aged since the game was first released. The Taint of Dorian Gray.

Upon further reflection, one is likely to notice that the man is clearly not wearing any underwear, which also begs the question: where the fuck are his balls and stuff? Is he performing the tuck-back trick a la Buffalo Bill? Is that a rash? Thanks emulator. You made a bad situation worse.

2. Crash Bandicoot: Dick Swallower. Fact. Moving on.

Damn, just look at that face.

3. Ring King: The famous midget blowjob scene; a true classic. Despite being the most ‘famous’ entry on this list, there is something that people consistently get wrong about it. They say, “In Ring King, it looks like there’s a midget giving a blowjob.” Looks like? No, no no… is. That is what’s happening. It’s right there on the screen. This one really doesn’t seem to be up for interpretation. What the hell else could those little guys be doing, tying the boxer’s shorts with their teeth? I mean, it’s an odd time to play slap-ass, but who am I to judge?

As an added bonus, this game was called “Family Boxing” in Japan. As another added bonus, there’s people clearly jerking off in the audience. In both the game, and in reference to this article. You creepy fucks.

Just use your imagination. Oh, you already did.

4. Castlevania Bloodlines: There’s a Whackoff Robot in the Palace of Versailles. This bold bastard will literally come rolling right at you, throbbing weasel in hand, shaking it like a bottle of champagne in the NASCAR winner’s circle. I’d say drop down in there with Lecarde and stick your spear up their asses, but that might only make matters worse.

I guess Konami just wanted to reward people for getting this far. Great job, guys… really, thanks so much. Watching a robot knight fly at me with his pecker out really helped with that thorny horse shit of a boss rush at the end.

“Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor decapitation… oh God, right in the neck hole.”

5. Pro Wrestling: 1986 was a grand year. I pooped a number of times, I received my first NES and learned the warp tube trick in Super Mario Bros. 1-2. Great stuff. Also I’m pretty sure I watched some TV and ate popsicles.

Some other stuff happened, of course. Such as the release of Nintendo’s Pro Wrestling. And within it was everyone’s favorite move — the pile driver. Yes, the pile driver, a wrestling classic. A devastating move where you put your opponent’s head between your legs and… as it turns out, the rest of how the move works is unimportant. Completely.

Just look at this shit.

For absolute, neck-fucking shame.

Everything you see here… it is what you think it is.

6. Atari 2600 games: Not only is everything blocky enough to look like dicks and balls in the first place, you have developers like Mystique releasing gems such as Custer’s Revenge, a hillbilly rape simulator, and Beat ‘Em and Eat ‘Em, which involves some guy splooging off the top of a building with a woman trying to catch it in her mouth.

And of course we can’t forget the cult classic Burning Desire, which involves a naked man dangling from a helicopter, trying to put out fires with his… stuff (and again with an open-mouthed woman… or is that a deformed camel?) While this list is specifically for innuendo and plenty of pornographic games exist, this ancient offering is in a class all its own and frankly too bizarre to leave out.

That said, I should tell you that the last time I watched some Burning Desire footage on YouTube (because I’ve done this multiple times…), it was pre-empted by a Skittles commercial. Chew on that.

I honestly have nothing to say about this that I haven’t already said. It is gross, and clearly against the law.

7. Donkey Kong Country: This one is actually a glitch, but at least it gives this empty turd of a game a reason to be played (yeah, I just said that). On the first level you run out and grab Rambi, then go back to the beginning, hop off and get the hidden silver barrel. Bounce it off the wall, jump on it, and then try to mount Rambi again while riding it. Rambi transforms into a grey Donkey Kong, and your riding animation will look like you’re giving it all she’s got, captain. With your wiener.

Some of these… you should probably not catch.

8. Names: I named my last Pokemon Cockpincher, so there’s something to be said about the power of words. There are two characters in Viva Pinata named Fanny Franker and Willy Builder — that seems to pretty much speak for itself. And of course, Metal Gear has its famous tough guy “Solid Snake,” which… that also speaks for itself. Granted, that could be talking about a turd. I guess that’s your call. Not too impressed due to the lack of any characters named Cocksacks McFuck, but an honorable mention nonetheless.

Not a convincing photo, but I assure you that I fucked this elephant. I mean dragon.

9. The Ole Heave, Ho: Only a handful of minutes into Suikoden you will be asked to ride a dragon. After doing something at the location it takes you, you’ll be brought back. At that point you can stand directly behind the dragon and repeatedly try to ‘talk’ to it, which will look like you’re giving it the wizard’s staff. The dragon will also ‘roar,’ which you’ll notice is just an audio sample of an elephant (which makes the whole ordeal considerably weirder if you do it for about 10 minutes straight).

Yes, this is only a thing because I made it a thing.

Yes I did this for 10 minutes straight. After all, one who enjoys something but does not contribute to its perpetuation is but a shell.

I made that up and it sounds fucking smart as hell.

Perhaps more effectively, your character in The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past pretty much pushes and pulls dick-first on anything. There you go, fuck off.

“Save me or I’ll dress up as Hitler and shove a broken beer bottle up your ass.” What a woman!

10. Mystery perversion: I got drunk as shit the other night and started loading random “never heard of that” NES games on the Wii. I have absolutely no idea what this game is because I had not the faculties to write it down. I just remember resetting it a lot and watching this part over and over.

Here are the three important things I learned:

1. This girl is really into being kidnapped.

2. Putting “One Day” above something like a brutal kidnapping really puts the entire human experience into perspective.

3. It was super nice of the kidnappers to put a platform for her feet on that torture wall. A little conscientiousness can go a long way.

The tigers have balls.

11. Knights of the Round: The tigers have balls.

The tigers have balls.

The tigers have balls.

The tigers have balls.

The tigers have balls.

The tigers have balls.

The tigers have balls.

The End?

What it is with video games and perverse suggestion, I don’t know. What I do know is that all of that “violence and video games” research money would be better spent figuring this shit out, because its creepy and weird. The NES and Famicom libraries seem to have a serious market share, and could fill another another 20 pages or so before the source was exhausted. Legs and a bare ass stuck in the ground in Monster Party? Check. Old creeper dick in Rampage: World Tour? Also, a big resounding check.

If you want, no… need more, just use the Google. Though I loathe to mention their name, Kotaku’s “An Abridged History Of Video Game Dicks” is a great place to start.

As for me, I’m going to go take a shower. Actually that’s a lie, I did earlier. I’m going to just eat some curly fries and go to bed.

…right after I watch the dude in the 2600 version of Berzerk slap his ass each time a shot goes off. I’ll let you go find that one for yourself.

By Gamesman Anus

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